And at one point he looked at me and goes "you know what Chels, it's bullshit that you are letting them control your life still"
And I cried, out of anger. Big fat ugly cry. He had no idea what I had been through, what they had done and said and how many ways they had broken my heart. But as the tears were falling I realized something. The key word is HAD. He was right. I was running from a future relationship because of what HAD happened. I really was letting these undeserving exes of mine control my future.
That fight was back in early moments of last summer, we were fresh into our relationship. LT and I had gotten into it over some silly thing I'm sure, probably about a friend of his who was a girl or something. We duked it out, then talked it out, then moved on. But to say I got over it quickly was a lie. It's hard. It's flat out HARD to trust after being cheated on in past relationships.
Sadly, I can distinguish when I'm being overly critical on him because of something someone had done to me in the past, but I haven't gotten to the stage where I just simply DON'T do it. That's the worst part, to realize I am punishing him for mistakes my ex's made, stuff that has nothing to do with him or how he treats me.
As we round the corner to that one year mark a lot of clarity is coming with it. I'm so so very fortunate to be dating someone who understands, and is helping me work through this. It's funny. I hit strong points where I write things like this post, shouting my appreciation for having been cheated on. And while it's true, being cheated on more than once has still left some deep, ugly wounds. Things you don't notice until you're stuck in some situation, at a fork in the road, where you start remembering the past and someone else's actions and panic.